My book is now available through Amazon.com-title as above. It has been a long journey…and I hope you are inspired and touched…dreams do come true with determination, hard work and faith in the dreams that we hold in our hearts!
Archive for Moving
It’s been a couple of weeks but I can now say I am once again fully present. All of my tests from head to toe are superb and I am delighted to know what I already knew…I am in excellent health.
I attribute my healthy state to my meditation, yoga, and spiritual discipline which lead to healthy eating and lifestyle. How can I be so in touch with my body and my self and not honor healthy living? The fresh pure air of the Adirondacks, the total silence and solitude of the past 15 months, the step- back- in- time living all contribute to my radiant health and I am forever grateful.
Today I am in New Paltz visiting family and friends for the holiday and looking out the window at a foot of snow. My big boots are in my closet at the lake…not here where I never expected to be wading in the white stuff so soon.
Throughout this process I’ve had very little time on my mat and cushion. My eyes and head were sensitive to movement. I had one good meditation in two weeks and I feel tremendous difference in my ability to cope with some life issues. Today I look forward to returning to my full practice…clear and ready to reap the benefits of sitting in the stillness of my body temple.
The migraine equivalent has passed and I’ve learned so much in the process. Sometimes I have to choose to ride it out…to surrender and allow whatever is happening the freedom to happen and just Be. Fear, anger, any emotions at all cause resistance in the body/mind and when I let go and fully surrender a welcome peace fills my heart and mind. I picture myself resting in the Hands of God…knowing full well that I am united with All in a very special way through these moments of challenge. I am fully conscious that I(we) are never alone and in these moments so precious I glimpse the wholeness of the present the richness of the eternal.
This experience has enriched my life but it is not without the suffering of external challenges that are beyond my control. Ongoing legal issues of my divorce settlement are now in year #6, mounting legal bills, judges that do not enforce their own rulings or the rulings of the higher courts have allowed my exhusband to completely ignore every ruling so I can get my settlement and move on. He has made a mockery of the judicial system and continues to get away with it. The whole process is beyond my control and I can’t afford to walk away from it. Needless to say after this episode I have felt very vulnerable and frustrated beyond words…but knowing I can get on my mat this morning and work it out is a relief…clarity will return along with strength and courage…which will once again bring me to surrender and non-attachment to the outcome. Without my daily practice I observed the working of the mind and how the vulnerability led to lots of crying and a sense of loneliness. The Yogi’s teach that everything is illusion and rarely are we experiencing Reality. There are as many worlds are there are minds…I am the creator of my life by what I think. But thinking hasn’t been very easy these past couple of weeks! Hey……it’s all maya anyway.
Like the migraine equivalent my present life is changing and I sense the odd space of being in between where I am and where I would like to be. I miss having my own home… a center for gatherings of my children, parents and friends. I am seriously considering returning to be near family and my dearest friends…returning to LIFE and the fullness of living knowing full well that I will return to the Adirondacks anytime I am in need of refreshment, solitude, silence and the healing beauty of these glorious mountains and lakes.
I am fully present…emerging from a long retreat…ready to return and eternally grateful for the life I have created and all I discovered hidden in the solitude of the Adirondack Park.
Even the rain is beautiful here in the Adirondacks…nourishing, cleansing, purifying, creating an orchestra of different sounds as each drop attempts to penetrate the ground falling on turning leaves, hemlock and pine needles, ferns, and dead trees and branches. If one is lucky, strong, on target…splash against the brown, orange, and red leaves that carpet the black damp earth. The air is a bit heavy with humidity, yet it is clean and sweet, filling my lungs with purity and dampness to line my membranes with healthy moisture. The air, sounds, wet damp days here in the Adirondacks present as gifts to my body/mind…calling me to rest and go easy, move slowly, gracefully through this time. I am more one with myself therefore more one with All. How precious and special are the wonders of these glorious mountains and lakes…even the rain.
For now I am silent with only the rustling leaves, busy chipmunks and squirrels as background sounds. The air is crisp, pure, fresh, and moist. My lungs drink in deeply. My ears rest in the quiet, my voice rests in silence, my body rests when needed. My first morning here, Saturday, I dress warmly, leash my little buddy, Shortey and walk into the woods, pausing along the cove of Lake Simond Pond. All my senses are delighted…my eyes fill with tears. I am here. I am ready. I surrender to this time and to the grandeur of the Adirondacks. Silence, Stillness, Quiet, Mother Nature….all Golden.
Bare walls and boxes–the deconstruction of home. I start to pack and then write another email or call someone to say good-bye. I’ve not shed a tear yet, but know they are coming. I’m restless as the space between my settled home and move leaves me with boxes full or empty, some all taped up, others open just in case. Shortey sleeps by the screen door, content with the moment, yet knowing something BIG is up. The tension is building in my chest and the tears will come, I sense it, I know it…I’m just not yet ready to let them start…I’ve so much to do. One week from today Stevie will bring the truck here for the loading. He came by this morning and just hung around, we didn’t say much, but Stevie and I have always been comfortable with silence. He came with me for the injection at the hospital. I sense the worry in his eyes as the Radiologist explained why they are doing the test. My full body bone scan is at 1:00 and the radio-active liquid courses through my veins. The scan will be fine…my bones fine…because I”m leaving on this great journey. Like bare walls and boxes…I am empty yet full, taped up and open just in case, beginners mind…the bare wall of new beginnings. This is who I am right now.
I love that song…and the tune, the lyrics come to mind this beautiful sunny Sunday morning. Last night was our 4th Gratitude Gathering, a women’s support group I began last autumn. We meet once each season, at different homes, whoever can make it comes, all is as it should be. We share delicious food, chai tea, dessert, we mix and mingle, delight in the loving environment of wonderful women. Then we form circle…a time of Sacred Sharing and Sacred Support. This is an incredible group of women…a Spiritual Powerhouse of growth and evolution, love, support, and acceptance through our accomplishments, our illnesses, our challenges and triumphs. We are Sisters.
I began the evening with open mind…beginners mind and wondered how difficult this night may be emotionally as I am moving so far away. This move to the Adirondacks is the greatest decision I have ever made, the biggest change, a dream coming true, a goal manifesting. This is a new road…a completely open road into a new life, my transformation. A time when I will be hours away from anyone I know (accept when my dear Aunt Carol is at her camp), all that is familiar…I’ve lived my whole life here. And now at the age of 52 I am embracing my dream and going for it!
I left our Gathering with the greatest peace. No sadness…only the strength of loving support from my Sisters. I am empowered with great courage and Knowing that all is well and that no matter where I am, or who I am at any given moment I am uplifted by each of you…and know that you are the “wind beneath my wings”…
Fly, Fly, Fly
So high I almost touch the sky
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you
the wind beneath my wings….
The sun shines brightly through the blinds into my living room leaving yellow stripes across the boxes empty and collapsed. From my kitchen chair I observe the teaching in this boxes.
The world as I know it has collapsed…everything stripped away. Over these past two years large homes, furniture and things to fill them, financial security, physical health, employment, structured life, relationships…have all collapsed. I begin to pack, leaving Orange County for the first time, alone, heading into the unknown…the empty box. Into the empty box I will place myself and this rollercoaster of detaching and excitement, panic and peace, anxiety and elation…with a great blanket of faith and trust to warm me.
Sometimes our world needs to collapse so that we may find new life…true transformation. I recall the bald eagle that flew overhead on my last day at the Lake this summer. He circled above me disturbing my meditation…so I watched in awe as he danced and soared then disappeared. No sooner did he leave then a Monarch butterfly bright orange and black danced directly in front of me over the calm stillness of the Lake, she fluttered way up into the sky almost disappearing before she came back down to eye level dancing again to my delight before silently stealing into the forest.
I am about to enter the empty box of the unknown…all the while Knowing on the deepest level the transformation and new life are blessed…I will dance like butterflies…and soar like eagles.
As the time gets closer to my move more and more people are asking, so what will you do? Some wonder if I have everything lined up, job, friends, etc. But the truth is, the only person I know is my Aunt and she does not live there full time.
As I reflect on this past year and my goal of moving to the Adirondacks my intention was to write and now I’m uncertain of what exactly lies ahead. My desire is to have all the solitude I need, whatever that may be, to be in the heart of Mother Nature, inspired by the glory around me everywhere I look, slowed down to stillness by the calm, slower pace of this quiet lake town. Taking time for quiet, to heal, explore, learn, and grow and share what I learn along the way.
I enter this time with many emotions, sadness for leaving those closest to me, excitement of a new life, of dreams coming true, of professional goals manifesting, creative juices flowing freely without interruption, allowing the space to Be, surrendering to each moment, living in a way that goes completely against my old ways of living…busy busy busy, crazy busy, doing, doing, doing. I’m going deeper, getting down to the bones and marrow of who I am and experiencing the new blossoms and fruits of this time to come.
Yet I enter this time with open hands, open heart, open mind, and a liberated Spirit, trusting in the process and the peace within. Everything about this move has been as graceful and flowing as the Racquette River that meanders along the edge of town. Love, support and blessings abound. What I do know is that this time will bring me clarity…a perfect reflection of what is. Mother Nature teaches us this lesson every day….be still and know…and all will be clear…a perfect reflection.
Today I begin the process of moving forward. Everything has been on hold long enough, it is time to break free. Time to be me, to put everything in place for the fulfillment of my goals…now they begin to manifest. I look at my mini dachschund Shortey and tell him we are about to embark on a very big adventure…he lifts his left front paw and cocks his head to the side, looking intently into my eyes.
Sometimes our dreams manifest in unexpected ways…God is full of surprises. I’ve learned to never underestimate the power of God which is why my faith and trust in this process remain steadfast, powerful and strong. My dream to retreat into the Adirondacks is now coming true. Solitude, prayer, meditation, writing, being nurtured and inspired by living in the heart of Mother Nature. I am so excited and scared at the same time…but fear never stops me from moving forward.
Today is a very chilly August morning here in the city of Newburgh along the Hudson River where the train roars by my window and generators hum and vibrate drowning out any sound at all. My mind quickly turns to October…
I feel the excitement of leaving in a few weeks even looking forward to packing, planning and all the preparation needed for this move. I sense the coming liberation and freedom of a new place, perfect for retreating, going deeper, writing, exploring, being in the heart of Mother Nature being one with Her pulse…my heart beating with Hers, my eyes witnessing Her Teaching, my ears listening to Her whispers, as well as Her roars and growls, cries, chatter, songs, and Her silence. My heart longs to be in Her presence to be present in the majestic glory of the Adirondacks.
I long for Her echo to fill my chambers, resonating with my energy and center, rhythmically tuning the kundalini and prana of this body/mind that my Soul shall flourish, rejoicing in the Oneness of All. I see my Yoga mat and cushion on the deck of my cabin in the still morning air and my heart soars above the roar of the trains passing.
I believe this how it should be for me. My life has been so busy, filled with external distractions and this longing to retreat is really more about the fulfillment of Natures abundance, living in the heart of Mother Nature in the grand mountain range of the Adirondacks…lake after lake, pond after pond, flowing rivers all dot the forest and mountains of thick evergreens, pines, white birch and oaks…tall, leaning into the sun, leaning from the winds that blow across the lakes leaving island forests pointing to the shores.
Yes, this is where I am heading and I hope to purchase a canoe and kayak that I may silently meader along the rocky edges of lakes and through the grassy marsh, coves and inlets, channels and rivers…silently, slowly, effortlessly gliding through to observe the loons and wood ducks, beaver and blue heron, deer, jumping lake bass and trout that leap to the surface for the resting flies and mosquitoes. Yes, this is where I am going and I am coming alive. My heart beats differently this morning with anticipation of this new adventure.
I could not make this move, this leap of faith without my dear family and friends. So many have literally supported me through these past two years of breast cancer, the return of an old injury, followed by a broken foot and job loss, and the ongoing legal battle of divorce settlement. I chose to see all of these challenges as opportunity rather than devastation…and here I am about to embark on this new journey,my dream of many years in a most unexpected way. I am so blessed and I pray that every single person who loves and supports me in any way shall be blessed 1000 times for their kindness, generosity, and divine love. A special thanks to my dear Aunt Carol who is helping make this possible. Everyone’s support and generosity and effort is way beyond material support…you are giving me permission to be True to MYSELF. How priceless! Each of you live in my heart and I take you with me into the glory of this earth…into the heart of Mother Nature…the Adirondacks.