BeStillAndKnow

I am finally home nestled in the heart of the Adirondacks with light falling snow, plenty of snow cover for added beauty, a roaring fire in the big old stone fireplace and my mini dachshund Shortey fast asleep in his bed.  The silence is broken only by the heat coming on and an occasional ringing phone…the silence and peace fill my soul.

It’s been a challenging month for many reasons and I am so grateful to all my loved ones.  Being with my children always fills my heart with joy and my parents made the holiday so special, especially Mom with all her great cooking and baking and decorating so everyone would feel the holiday spirit through her love.

After the migraine episode everyone urged me to return home… all reasons filled with love and I was swept up in the promptings and urgings even going so far as looking for places to live but I was not myself at all.  I knew that much.  I knew my mind was not clear and that even though I moved through every moment of every day the experience was like being in a dream and watching myself.   It was not the time to make any major decisions. 

I watched and observed my mind.  I was busy moving from place to place, visiting and doing whatever needed doing all the while fully aware of my condition.  With legal issues of a 6 year old divorce settlement still bearing down hard and the heart tugging holidays it was exhausting.  It is unnatural for me to be down home without a home filled with the warmth of baking cookies, Christmas tree and lights, my children, family and friends gathered around me.  It was hard and painful. 

With a weather forecast of snow I left early and headed back to the North Country and as soon as I head outside of Warrensburg and drive the mountain roads my whole body melts, my breath opens, my mind settles down and tears fill my eyes with joy.  This has become my home, I just wish I could share it with all those I love so dearly. 

My first intention to resume daily sadhana with a sense of urgency because this is what brings me home to myself every time.  When I am connected to my spirit…I am connected to God.  It is my time alone with myself and God.  All that I do to prepare for sitting meditation is like sending an invitation to God…to come sit with me and just Be.  Through this I am finally back to clarity of mind and filled with awe of the lessons I’ve learned with no control over this migraine equivalent and all that followed.  I thought I was well two weeks ago and know now that I was not because it all feels like a dream.  But I am fine now.   I fully trust that God has carried me through this experience and that even when I feel separated from myself through an experience such as this…I am never alone and never separated from God. 

I have learned to think things through and make decisions from a place of clarity.  I am going to remain here in the Adirondacks for as long as I possibly can and will not leave until it is time.   I will know through God’s grace when that time comes.   Everything will flow with grace and not come from a place of fear.

As for 2008 there were many challenges, but it has also been a wonderful year of growth, expansion and opportunity for me.  I’ve made wonderful new friends and consider my students among them, I have completed my first book which will soon be published, expanded my healing work of Reiki and spiritual guidance, will begin training as a retreat leader in Spring and will soon start speaking about Aging And Spirituality here in the North Country.  I am grateful for all that 2008 has given me…and I look forward to every moment of 2009 with peaceful surrender knowing that I am home within myself and that God is always with me as He is in everyone.