Archive for July, 2007

At Home With Sadness

At Home With SadnessToday the dam breaks as the first tear falls slowly, warmly, softly down my cheek sliding down to my jaw line, hanging on…finally giving up and falling to my chest.  Today I am at home with sadness and I treasure this release, this oneness with sorrow. 

I feel deeply now;  sorrow for others, for myself, for the challenges that keep on coming for the uncertainty of what I know…

I am alone at home with sadness…allowing room within me and around me…others sense sadness.  Some want to fix it…some want to ignore it…some don’t want to be around it.  I, too, am all these things…I am everyone who sees it differently…and I am the one who surrenders to sadness…she needs to breathe…to be with me.

I am at home with sadness because she is a part of me.  I cry for love that is so out of reach…love lost…for the struggles of my children and friends and family…for unfinished business that drags on for years…for what comes and what has not.  This does not take away from the joy and gratitude I know, live, and hold within my heart for the abundant blessings in my life. I must allow what is present to be also…and sadness is here, now.

I am at home with sadness…no more resistance…and I am wonderful with this…I am sad, yet free…sorrowful yet glorious somehow…tears rest upon my lids as my lips curl into the smile that lives with me most often…and as the tears begin to drip over my eyelids they gently caress the corners of my smiling lips…ah…yes…sorrow knows joy and are One. 

The Sun Rises Perfectly

The Sun rises perfectly this morning so gloriously perfect, radiant, dazzling the Hudson River with an orange, yellow and pink dance.  What does this sun rise teach me?  Confirm for me?

That I am perfect…we are all perfect.  If I didn’t notice the sun, would the sun still rise?  If I notice the warmth of the sun, will She still dazzle the River at dawn?  When it is cloudy and gray, dark with heaviness and driving rain, does the sun still rise?  Yes, perfectly.  The Sun, the Moon, the Stars, the Universe all made perfectly.

That is how I am…how we all are.  We are perfect…all of us and each of us, we just forget. 

 As I realize this Truth I am the rising sun.  I am a clear day of sunshine and then a dark, rainy, cloudy day.  One no more perfect than the other. 

These past two weeks have posed many challenges that have really pulled me out into the world of courts and attorneys for me, doctors, nurses, and hospital for my dear daughter.  A death in the family brings me to Memorial Services and the funeral home.  Many emotions pass through me…mostly sadness, concern, disappointment, fear, discouragement…and I carry them.  I am forever grateful for my Spiritual practice and meditation, these are the tools for learning, being a student of myself and Life.

I look at each emotion/feeling, I see clearly how important it is for my greater good and well-being to carry them as Sacred.  It is easy for me to honor my goodness and Light…it is a great learning to know that everything I feel is Sacred.  My feelings and emotions are my guides.  They guide me to my intuition and my Center.  Earlier this week I thought these things drew me out of Center…but now I know all of this brings me to my Center in a new way…a better way.  How Sacred every moment, every feeling, every emotion, every thought, every breath…of this great journey. 

How glorious are the teachings of Mother Nature.  God is everywhere Perfect.  Even the trees with crooked branches and gnarly trunk are magnificent…perfect.  Mother Nature reminds me all the time of things I need to see, I have only to look, to feel, and to remember that I, created in His image and likeness, am perfect…as are you!

The Power Of Allowing

There is great power in allowing what comes to just be.  Yesterday I knew I was not good company, not the person people are used to sharing time with.  So I allowed myself a day of mostly solitude and being in this place so unfamiliar.  A place where I felt so out of center…

Living in Spirit is an incredibly powerful way to live.  My life flows from moment to moment.  I am fully conscious of my day and most of the moments…my movements and choices just flow with such Grace.  I wonder…how did I get through most of my life without living like this?  These past few days I am reminded of how challenging life was…that most moments were missed completely by the busy mind and busy life that either had me pulled into the past or thrusting for the future…anywhere but here, now, in the moment.

This morning I awaken with my center restored…long bedtime meditation and prayer brings me back to this place of equanimity.  But I also believe that by allowing the space to feel these emotions brings about this refreshing restoration.  Reminders are good…it is good to remember now and then how I used to live or not live…and how I live fully now.

I experienced these few days of challenge that seemingly knocked me out of center, but these things, moments, challenges do not own me…they are a part of my humanity to embrace and love because they serve a purpose each and every time.

I remember…To be human is Divine…and to be Divine is human…I am both, as we all are.  I cannot be one without the other as we are all created in the image and likeness of God.

So on this glorious Monday morning I rise at dawn and sit with my hot cup of chai and reflect on what I have learned these past few days and I realize that sitting with these old acquaintances fills me with peace, knowing that I have every right to feel these emotions, yet I am NOT these emotions…they have no power over me or who I am…I feel them, allow them room to be…and then use them to be more courageous and determined to see this challenge through to create new opportunities for growth and the great life I am creating for myself.   I am so grateful for this vistation, for the experience of fear, frustration and disappointment…because today I rejoice in knowing that I am whole and complete and I know it.  ps:  and I have been all along!!

Of What Am I Afraid?

Of what am I afraid I ask myself this morning?  This past week has been a whirlwind of legal issues…a never-ending divorce settlement.  I cried this week for the first time in a long time…feeling disheartened, allowing the tears to flow, allowing my humanity to pierce the strength of my Spirituality.  Oh Spirit shines ever so brightly within me, around me.  I bring this effortlessly into the world and yet every now and again, the challenges of my life will bring me to the edge where fear sits patiently, waiting, perhaps even smiling.

Of what am I afraid?  That I’ll be financially challenged?  Hmmm, been there for months now.  That my credit will be ruined from the fallout of breast cancer, a big pay cut, followed by a forced downsizing, selling off family treasures and furniture…followed by a badly broken foot, followed by the loss of my job…of what is there to fear now?  I endured and found faith and trust within myself I never knew so powerfully possible…and yet this week I am unglued.

I know a big shift is coming, I sense it, feel it and up until two days ago, I believed it and had faith in it and as my friend Sandy says, I trust it…but fear sitting way in the back row…patiently and quietly emerges.  Of what am I afraid?  Failure?  Had plenty of that too…and have learned my best lessons from it.

Of what am I afraid?  I am afraid that all this time of hope, of powerful and positive thinking, praying, and meditation, vision boards, manifestations, all the power behind and in the support system I have around me…could possibly be undone.  I am afraid that for the first time in months, I am not in a place of trusting myself as I have…and I have to wonder why?  Why now?  Why at this point?  When I’m so close? 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.”  Marianne Williamson

This week’s legal issues reveal a judge that is not enforcing the Appellate Court decision and opposing counsel has not complied with anything the court has asked.  So now, it is like starting all over again, after four years of battling a system that has totally screwed me over, I am once again “beginning” as my great legal team scurries to have documents on the desk of the Supreme Court judge showing just cause for some of the monies I am owed to be released.  So perhaps it is not so much fear, as frustration and disappointment in something that is out of my control.   Most everything is out of my control and that is fine…but today fear, frustration, and disappointment fill me.  I choose to be alone today, to remain quiet, to be with these old acquaintances so long forgotten.  My Yoga practice was a nice long, strong practice…I worked up a good sweat–feeling the relief of ….ahhh purification!  Then a nice long, deep meditation…stillness…Nothing.  And yet these visitors remain.  Could it be success looming that frightens me?  Honestly I don’t believe this to be true.  I look forward to what unfolds for me and I am successful at anything I do.  I love this journey I am travelling….and yet these visitors of fear, frustration and disappointment have parked here and are spending the day…and contrary to how I feel within…it’s such a gloriously beautiful day outside.

Living in Spirit I have not had these visitors in a very very long time…and perhaps the fear is that they still have power.  I’ve allowed it…allowed them power…I’ve been resisting these feelings all day.  I’m strong…you have no place here.  I am courageous…you have no place here!   But alas…you are here…so with peace and a deep breath I say …”welcome…I haven’t seen you in a while, come in, sit down, let’s just be….”

Patience

PatiencePatience.   Patience.  Patience.  How I dreaded those words in my youth.  Youthfulness brings eagerness to do everything that comes along.  I want to do it now!  I want to do it yesterday!  I want to hurry up and grow up, hurry up and get there, hurry up and get married, hurry up and have children….hurry, hurry, hurry.  Patience was so contradictory to my youth. 

One of the great powers of mid-life is patience.  I have learned that patience is acceptance of what is…giving room and space in life for what comes.  Patience is a form of surrender and self love. 

I have learned so much about Patience through watching, observing and being in Nature.  Nature teaches me many many valuable lessons about myself…the most beautiful creations patiently unfold, blossom, and grow.  I imagine the Patience of the great trees, hundreds of years old, or the waters that flow throughout time smoothing riverstones, the bay waters lapping gently, rhythmically, against the dock….the sun setting slowly, effortlessly until disappearing into the night.

Patience allows me to be in the moment to experience the fullness of life.  I have grown to love being patient with my body, my life, the unfolding and flowering of myself.  The sunrise and sunset of daily living.  I hurried my whole life to get to here.  To be at peace with what is.  

I have some roughed out ideas of what I’d like to accomplish in the future.  I have ideas of what my purpose is, what my work here in the world is all about, but I hold these with open hands, open mind, open heart.  I’m not attached to what I think I should do.  I treasure the moment to moment life I have created.  I treasure my time with those I meet and love.  I treasure the time I carve out for myself each day to just be who I am and I love the flow of my life.  I honor living in Spirit which nurtures the deepest self love I have ever known.  Patience is no longer a word I dread no longer a word to recognize…just a part of who I Am.

In The Moment

The sounds of Buddha Nature, the hum of the air purifier, the tinkling chimes, air moving, train passing, Shortey’s breath, my body, the air against my skin, the coolness of my thumbs and warmth of my fingers, the softness of my eyelashes against my cheek, the ache in my upper back, the warmth of my sweater, the elastic waist snug to my middle, the tingling of my foot falling asleep beneath folded legs, the hardness of the floor, firmness of my purple cushion, roughness of the beige shag carpet…on and on it consumes me…lost I am in the moment.

There is more in a moment…more to experience in the Present than the busiest day.  To be in the moment and write about the moment can fill pages, with sounds, smells, tastes, touch, feeling.  Awareness is heightened in the moment…while keeping busy busy, nuts busy, only fills my day with unimportance or significant events that would be that much richer and meaningful…more full, if I’m present instead of burning through it all.  Take time she says, digest the moments, let them seep into my pores.

In the moment I allow myself to Be.  It is sacred to feel emotions.  When I allow emotions and accept myself as I Am my whole being expands with me…allowing this sweet surrender a place in Me.  There is a difference between experiencing/feeling anger and being anger.  There is a difference between experiencing sorrow and being sorrow.  When I am in the moment, I am learning to allow the Sacred Emotions of myself to be and this surrender brings great healing.  When I am not in the moment and I am not accepting of myself as I Am…then I create resistance in the body/mind and I miss the moment so pure and Sacred.

I’m learning too that by living this way, so meditative, slowed down, being present, breathing, feeling, being…the Great Teacher is within.  All I need to learn I learn, all I need to see I see, all I need to know I know, all I need to hear I hear.  This is a beautiful way to live and I am most grateful for this tremendous opportunity to just Be.  So I bow to you dear Spirit, I bow with the deepest gratitude…thank you for giving me this moment.  I am ever-evolving Spirit, ever-evolving Kathleen…learning to Be and be…Who I Am!

Confirmation

Today I went to a beautiful Interfaith Service for the first time.  My new Sister Naomi is a newly ordained Minister and invited me to attend.  She greeted me as I walked in the door and asked me if I would do the reading.  I said sure, whatever you’d like me to do.  The reading is a poem by Marianne Williamson and I share this with you because it is confirmation of the healing work I’ve been doing…and the healing for us all.  The Service was so Simple and Pure…an uplifting wonderful experience.

Healing is a process, an ever-evolving peeling away, or chiseling away as Naomi said today.  Healing is living, it is Life.  I have found the great healing is not so much about my physical challenges, but the process of loving myself…of allowing all that I am to emanate, vibrate and expand.  This is a wonderful place to discover and be.

Our deepest fear

Is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light,

not our darkness,

that frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people

won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;

it’s in every one of us.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

Emanating, Vibrating and Expanding

Emanating, Vibrating and ExpandingLast night I had an incredibly healing experience.  I prepared for the last two days my full surrender to the work I would be doing with Sandy and Maria.  I knew there was something I was holding on to…and while so much focus has been on the painful scars of my left breast and my left drop foot…I’ve been holding on to something else that is a vital part of ME…the woman.

The room I thought we’d use was full, so we gathered in a very tiny room with a comfy massage table.  There was barely room to move around it…very intimate and safe.  I started talking about my leg and the brace I wear, which is so completely unattractive.  It is plastic and with the summer heat leaves the back of my calf with blisters, burns and scabs.  I love my leg…but I hate my brace…honestly I really hate it.  It is hard, has no flexibility, plastic with velcro strapping, and must fit into my shoe which then makes my shoe too tight…what’s to love about this thing?

Anyway, my issues are not so much with that…this was the journey to finally reach the great AHA!  AHA!  SO THAT’S it Sherlock!  What is it I’ve been holding on to so tightly my chest hurts?  My womanhood…my sensual, sexual, alive, and whole side.  I walk through life vibrating and emanating my Spirituality….and yet I hold on tightly to my Sensuality and my Sexuality…the part that is shared with men.  Married and divorced twice…there is that place within me called self protection that has created the disconnection of my whole self…and my Whole Self.

Through laughter and downright hysterics….my sisters Sandy and Maria peeled away the layers of protection and I’m working on it.  Sandy coaxed me through….”I am vibrating sensual, sexual, wholeness, alive energy”  Say it again Kathleen….” I am vibrating sensual, sexual, wholeness, alive energy”….now say “I am vibrating and emanating sensual, sexual, wholeness, alive energy”….and what do you think happened?  Up came my hands…like talk to the hands…we all burst out laughing…and I said, “you know that is really how it is!”  and Sandy said….”yea….no kidding?”    We all laughed so hard we cried…and then I cried.  Because I realize how afraid I am of sharing that part of myself again.  Of opening my whole self to another…

In reality, I am, at the age of almost 52…whole and complete.  In reality I am at the best place in my self and my life to make great choices, not just healthy choices…but great choices and I have great understanding of relationships…between my training and life experience…I am ready.

I’d love to keep on writing, but quite frankly I’m ready to head out the door and into the world to…emanate, vibrate and expand my whole self….including the sensual, sexual, full of life and wholeness part of ME!  This morning as I walked my Shortey…I had a zip in my step…yes, even with the brace…knowing that my Whole Self is walking with me everywhere I go!  May you be so inspired!!!!

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