Of what am I afraid I ask myself this morning? This past week has been a whirlwind of legal issues…a never-ending divorce settlement. I cried this week for the first time in a long time…feeling disheartened, allowing the tears to flow, allowing my humanity to pierce the strength of my Spirituality. Oh Spirit shines ever so brightly within me, around me. I bring this effortlessly into the world and yet every now and again, the challenges of my life will bring me to the edge where fear sits patiently, waiting, perhaps even smiling.
Of what am I afraid? That I’ll be financially challenged? Hmmm, been there for months now. That my credit will be ruined from the fallout of breast cancer, a big pay cut, followed by a forced downsizing, selling off family treasures and furniture…followed by a badly broken foot, followed by the loss of my job…of what is there to fear now? I endured and found faith and trust within myself I never knew so powerfully possible…and yet this week I am unglued.
I know a big shift is coming, I sense it, feel it and up until two days ago, I believed it and had faith in it and as my friend Sandy says, I trust it…but fear sitting way in the back row…patiently and quietly emerges. Of what am I afraid? Failure? Had plenty of that too…and have learned my best lessons from it.
Of what am I afraid? I am afraid that all this time of hope, of powerful and positive thinking, praying, and meditation, vision boards, manifestations, all the power behind and in the support system I have around me…could possibly be undone. I am afraid that for the first time in months, I am not in a place of trusting myself as I have…and I have to wonder why? Why now? Why at this point? When I’m so close?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.” Marianne Williamson
This week’s legal issues reveal a judge that is not enforcing the Appellate Court decision and opposing counsel has not complied with anything the court has asked. So now, it is like starting all over again, after four years of battling a system that has totally screwed me over, I am once again “beginning” as my great legal team scurries to have documents on the desk of the Supreme Court judge showing just cause for some of the monies I am owed to be released. So perhaps it is not so much fear, as frustration and disappointment in something that is out of my control. Most everything is out of my control and that is fine…but today fear, frustration, and disappointment fill me. I choose to be alone today, to remain quiet, to be with these old acquaintances so long forgotten. My Yoga practice was a nice long, strong practice…I worked up a good sweat–feeling the relief of ….ahhh purification! Then a nice long, deep meditation…stillness…Nothing. And yet these visitors remain. Could it be success looming that frightens me? Honestly I don’t believe this to be true. I look forward to what unfolds for me and I am successful at anything I do. I love this journey I am travelling….and yet these visitors of fear, frustration and disappointment have parked here and are spending the day…and contrary to how I feel within…it’s such a gloriously beautiful day outside.
Living in Spirit I have not had these visitors in a very very long time…and perhaps the fear is that they still have power. I’ve allowed it…allowed them power…I’ve been resisting these feelings all day. I’m strong…you have no place here. I am courageous…you have no place here! But alas…you are here…so with peace and a deep breath I say …”welcome…I haven’t seen you in a while, come in, sit down, let’s just be….”